notahobby | ic contact; interstellar5555

Hey.

[He steps in and closes the door behind himself because he wasn't raised in a barn, and lightly puts a hand on Maxxie's arm as he walks toward the kitchen.]

Sorry about this, I just-- [s i g h] Well, you know.

[Maxxie turns and smiles affectionately at him.]

Let's get set up with our food and we can talk about it, if you want.

Okay.

[Terry nods and grabs a couple of plates to set out with a soft sigh. He's not sure he wants to talk about it — or rather, he's sure he doesn't want to, but he's not sure if that's a good idea. They used to avoid all this stuff, pretended none of this shit was going on when they were together, and that's half of why they ended up fighting. It it happens again, it could be a lot worse. A lot harder to resolve, and he doesn't want that.]

[He also really doesn't want to talk about it though.]

[Maybe he can put off thinking about this under the guise of eating.]

[Maxxie gets some plates and dishes some out, gesturing for Terry to follow him to the couch so they can sit and eat. This way he can also put off having Terry talk about it, because he's nervous and worried that he won't be able to be supportive in the right way.]

[Terry follows and sits himself on the couch, sitting crosslegged with his plate in his lap once he's piled up a satisfactory amount of food.]

So... How's this week been? They must be running you pretty ragged.

Mmhmm.

[He's not falling for that, Terry. He raises an eyebrow at him as he takes a bite of food.]

[God just let him have 20 minutes of casual conversation before they get into the hell that is Terry's mind.]

[Terry frowns and stares down at his plate, trying to think of some other innocuous topic to bring up in order to not talk about why he's here like this, but he's got all of nothing.]

[Enjoy the silence Maxxie.]

[Maxxie sighs and rests his plate on his lap, leaning forward to put his hand on Terry's knee. He's sitting sideways on the couch, and he was backed up against the armrest, but now he's trying to catch Terry's eye as he shuffles forward a bit.]

If you don't want to talk that's cool, but I'm here if you do, yeah? We gotta talk to each other.

Can we eat first?

[He looks up at Maxxie with a soft frown. He's not upset exactly, but still.] I probably should talk about it, but... I kinda need to psych myself up first.

[Terry laughs a little weakly too. He's getting pretty fed up of Life as a Brainwashed Fuckup over here.]

[Maxxie sighs as he thinks this over, and then he nods.]

Yeah, but c'mere. If we're gonna eat on the couch may as well get comfy.

[He backs up against the armrest again, picking up his plate and moving his legs out of the way so Terry can get closer and Maxxie can rest his legs across his lap.]

[Terry moves closer happily, as happy as he's capable of right now anyway, and puts a hand on Maxxie's leg briefly while he works his way through his food. Not that he's not still extremely worried about bringing things up, but. Maybe it won't be so bad.]

[Maxxie doesn't force any conversation, just peacefully and happily eats his Korean food as he progressively gets more comfortable on the couch. This is kind of his style, just slowly becoming one with the couch.]

[Once he's done he puts his plate aside and reaches up to start playing with Terry's hair.]

[Terry hums gently and leans his head into Maxxie's touch, immediately putting his plate aside so he can crawl up into Maxxie's space and rest his head on his shoulder once he's finished with his food.]

[He's quiet for a moment, just enjoying this closeness, but whether or not he wants to talk about it it's weighing on his mind-- so. He exhales heavily.]

I remembered my mom yesterday.

[Maxxie keeps brushing his fingers through Terry's hair as he leans in, wrapping the other arm loosely around him. He gets a bit nervous when Terry's about to speak, because he has no idea what's about to happen. Then, Terry mentions his mom, and Maxxie wishes he understood the significance, but he does his best to sound sympathetic because this is obviously a Big Deal.]

Shit. What happened?

It's... [He sighs] Whenever I tried to think about my family it's fuzzy. Like trying to remember a film I watched when I was a kid, you know? And since I started remembering all this stuff, some of it's clearer-- even when it doesn't match what I thought was true and... I always felt bad when I tried to think about my mom but I never knew why--

[Is he stalling? A little. Rambling in a simultaneous hope that he can put it off forever and that if he starts it'll just come out without any effort.]

[But neither of those things happen and he stops suddenly because he can feel it right on the tip of his tongue and it's hard to say. It's really hard and he takes a deep breath, pulling himself from Maxxie a little the way he always does when he's expecting a bad reaction.]

She's in an asylum. Because of me.

[Maxxie's reaction isn't bad, but he is confused. He knows kids tend to blame themselves when bad things happen with their parents, and part of him is assuming that's what's happening here, but he has no idea. He doesn't dismiss him right away; instead he shakes his head with a concerned frown.]

What d'you mean?

[Terry sits up now, looking down at his hands to avoid making eye contact with Maxxie, because this is it. Or... Half of it anyway. The reason he's always felt toxic and guilty and why he keeps saying people shouldn't get close to him even though he didn't exactly know why. And now he's gonna tell that to Maxxie and it's terrifying.]

Remember-- how I said I can tell you're afraid all the time?

[He swallows and wrings his hands, wishing a little that he could just get up and walk away from this. But he started it, so. Here goes.]

I can sense fears. I can tell when people are scared and what they're scared of and... And something else. [His brow creases, trying to remember what that other thing is, but he can't ever seem to remember anything except these feelings of power and guilt. He shakes his head.] I don't know what it is, but I know I did it to her. I know I broke her.

[Maxxie watches him with a worried frown, his eyes widening as he listens. It's hard for him to conceptualize all of this, but after all the things he's seen it's not like he can just deny that it's real. Especially because this is Terry - he'd never tell Maxxie this just to scare him - if he's telling him something it's because he really believes it.]

[He reaches out to put his hand over Terry's, hesitating a little because he's still not sure he can handle this properly.]

I'm sure it wasn't your fault. You probably didn't know what you were doing.

[That's reassuring, right?]

We were arguing and it just happened, but...

[He shakes his head again, frowning at nothing and everything all at once.]

I knew it was a risk-- any time I lost my temper. I couldn't control it.

[Maxxie presses his lips together, not at all sure what to say. This is just too much, but he knows he's not scared of Terry. Maybe all this stuff he's talking about is scary, but he still has faith that Terry will never hurt him. It just won't happen.]

[So he gives Terry's hand a squeeze and leans in a little more.]

I'm really sorry, Ter.

It's...

[He wants to say it's fine, but it's not. And it won't ever be. But he can manage. Now that he's said all that out loud and Maxxie hasn't recoiled in horror or told him to get out or isn't suddenly scared of him. It's reassuring, that the things he feels about himself aren't necessarily true. And he could go on for a while, but Maxxie has the broad strokes of it already and now he has the context too. Terry just has to trust him to say if it ever is too much.]

[He chews his lip and looks up, a little hesitant when he meets Maxxie's eyes, but at least he's not on the verge of tears or giving him that confused and upset look he does when he can't figure out why Maxxie's still here.]

Look, I don't need you to fix this, or fix me or whatever. I know you can't. I just... I just really need to be with someone I know isn't gonna push me away right now.

[He wants to say of course not right away, but he doesn't want Terry to think he's being dismissive. He wants Terry to know he really means it, and he has to make sure Terry knows he's really thinking about all this stuff, not just sticking his head in the sand and ignoring the bad stuff. He knows he does that with some things, but not with this. This is too important.]

I'm scared, Ter. I guess you can tell I am, but I care about you too much to push you away. I wanna be here for you, and I... kind of need you. I love you too much to leave just 'cause there's some scary stuff going on.

[He turns his hand in Maxxie's grip to squeeze his hand and lifts it to his face so he can kiss Maxxie's knuckles softly]

Good. Because I love you and I'm here for all your weird shit too.

[Maxxie smiles and grabs Terry's shoulders to pull him in for a hug. The angle might be awkward but he doesn't care, he just wants to press his face into his boyfriend's neck.]

[Well Terry falls on him more than he actually goes when Maxxie pulls him, but he settles with a quiet laugh and shimmies closer so he can put himself comfortably in Maxxie's lap and wrap an arm around his shoulders. He combs his other hand through Maxxie's hair affectionately with a quiet sigh, feeling better about this already.]

ic contact; interstellar5555

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